Baby blues are hard, heavy and as real as the concrete on the street. Unlike most, I get the blues while I am pregnant, starting in my second trimester, and then it fades after the baby comes. It’s like I have heavy coat on at all times and am unable to ever feel the cool breeze of the joy of my new baby.

A common small-talk question I get while pregnant is, “Are you so excited for this baby?” I always would hesitate and give an unconvincing, “Yes.” As strange as it sounds now, I literally felt numb about it, incapable of joy in anticipation of the baby I was carrying. And it felt wrong that other people, my friends, family, and even strangers could be excited for me and I couldn’t.

Except one night, about two months before Henry was born, I was fighting my pregnancy insomnia around 2 am, I had this rush and overwhelming feeling of joy for this baby boy. It was magical and wonderful. I laid in my bed, smiling, just soaking it in. Filled with love for this little boy who was soon to join our family – from my toes to the top of my head. It must have been only ten minutes, but I held onto and clung to that. I could understand for a brief moment, filled with love, anticipation and joy. I could feel the good this boy would bring to our family

That memory is what helped carry me through the rest of my pregnancy. The saving Grace when I felt so dangerously dark and overwhelmed in anxiety and depression.