Having three little kids is the best and hardest thing ever. Yesterday morning I took a long shower while Marc did breakfast with the kids, afterwards I told him that’s the first time this week (or since I can remember) taking a shower or using the bathroom where no one came in to talk with me. Mama just needs a few minutes of alone time. Am I right?! But on the other end of the spectrum Hazel came in my room at 4 in the morning asking if she could lay by me for a little bit. And I happily just snuggled her. She fell asleep and then was giggling in her sleep. It was magic.

That magic is what I needed. I’ve had a abnormally low (mental health/ depressed) weekend. And normally when I have a low day, which often has a hard night and tears are almost always involved- I can shake it off the next morning. But my dark Friday bled into Saturday. (And I handled Friday significantly better than I have in the past, recognizing where I was and feeling the edge of a breakdown and holding on to that dangerous tipping point not falling into the bottomless pit of sorrow. )

After my long solo shower Marc asked if I had a barre class I could go to this morning. He is so good. We both know physical movement is critical for me on low days. As we drove home from my class I tried to explain my struggle to him, on these hard low days I know things are off and I want to be my usual happy optimistic cheerful self and I desperately want to “pull it all back together” but it feels like my insides are magnets pushing against each other. And the harder I try to pull it back together the harder the force pushes back. I just really liked the analogy. It gave definition to an invisible internal struggle.

Things that help low days:

– exercising

– going out side

– small positive interactions with my kids. Readings a story, racing cars with Levi, a tea party, etc where expectations are low and childhood joy moments are high

– a coloring page

– writing on this blog

– baking

– reading

– marc had homework so I took myself for a drive after we put the kids down and I listened to Big Magic. This is my third time listening to this book on living a creative life. It gives me friend to listen to when I want company but no one can actually take my call. And she is funny, blunt and full of wisdom that hits my heart every time.