Monday at 3:04 am I already finished my workout for the day. I can’t sleep. (For the last several days) My mind raises in bed, I have pressure in my heart, and when I do finally sleep or nap I have anxiety driven, restless sleep. So when Hazel came in my room at 2 am, as she commonly does, to ask if she can crawl in bed with me, I, per usual, tuck her back in her own bed, but this time I laid down with her. The peace of my kids room is normally enough to help me drift into calm sleep. Nope. I held Hazel for a few minutes and she was out. But not me. Why is it, when I can’t sleep and I am wide awake in bed, that when the alarm finally goes off, that is when I can’t keep my eyes open and it is such a struggle to be awake? I normally work out first thing, at 6 but it’s hard to be motivated when it am exhausted and frustrated.

So i worked out in the quiet dark of 2:30 am. My main motivators to work out are I want to be a strong mom for my kids; and to feel good in my own skin and brain (mental health).

During my workout I could feel the endorphins kicking in, and my anxiety decreasing. But after I finished, like a magnet it came back almost in full force. So I kneeled down to pray, on the mattress that is still in the middle of my family room. And there was a drop of peace. A dripping of calm like a leaky faucet slowly filling in the cracks. The tightness in my heart loosened ever so slightly. I like to listen to the All In podcast while I exercise and while I prayed I just got this washed over feeling that what I need to do is just be “all in” in Texas. And then I felt calm. I need to get to Texas swinging and loving Waco. I can’t be like Lot’s wife who keeps looking back, because what she left was all she knew. Waco will be a fantastic new chapter for me, Marc and I, and our little family. And now, I think I may be able to get some sleep.

We had the first of 2 early birthday parties for Levi and Hazel. First up was with our dear Rector buddies, Ivy and Chloe. And our Pace cousins. Chloe has another heart surgery scheduled for next week, and the twins really are Hazel’s best friends, so we wanted to make sure we got time to celebrate with them. It was some serious happy chaos with with 9 kids in floaties in the pool. (Much to Ruby’s shagrin. But when there are so many kids and she has been swimming for longer than an hour I usually make her put a life vest on too. She finds it most frustrating because it interferes with her back stroke, diving board tricks, and swimming to the bottom of the pool. But I like that it guarantees her head stays above water when there are a million bodies in the pool and she starts getting a little tired after non-stop exerting herself the entire time she is in the water).

In the way of news and media, Black Lives Matter has been the dominating the conversation since the horrifying death of George Floyd by a bad cop. Along with the topics of racism in America, white privilege, and protest across the country varying from moving peaceful protest to violent riots. And I have had to sit and get a uncomfortable with my thoughts and where I fit in with all of it and what I can do, especially as a mother to teach my kids about respect, racism, love, and how everyone regardless of their skin color, hair color, or past are children of God. That makes them our brothers and sisters. The words of a primary song ran through my mind all week, “Jesus said love everyone, treat them kindly too. When your heart is filled with love others will love you.” I want my babies to know that just like Martin Luther King, Jr.’s taught, that “hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can do that.”