A month ago at Hazel’s one year check up appointment I had a miscarriage. I had been spotty the day before, but spotting is pretty normal, I did some online research, and felt fine about it.

I had just told Dr. Rachel about the new baby, how Marc and I were so excited, and how by the time Marc graduates from school everyone will be at least 1 years old if/ when we move. We were all giddy and excited about the baby. Then I felt kinda funny and really had to go to the bathroom. Rachel offered to stay with the girls while I used the bathroom across the hall.

When I got in the bathroom and sat down I just started gushing blood. Lots of blood. I knew instantly I was loosing my baby. After a few minutes it slowed down enough that I could run to my bag to get a tampon. I saw Rachel, told her there was a lot of blood and that I was having a miscarriage. I went in the bathroom cleaned my self up, trying to keep it together. Rachel gave me a big long squeeze and we both stared crying. And I hurried and rushed both my girls to the car with teary eyes with the help of Rachel and her assistant trying not to panic.

Jo lives the closest to Rachel’s office. She had just gotten to the gym but thankfully answered her phone. Through me tears and trying to stay calm I quickly stammered out, ” Jo I’m having a miscarriage. There is so much blood. Can I please bring my girls to your house?” She said of course and we were at her house in minutes.

I tried calling Marc but I knew he was with a patient. With a shaky voice I tried to keep calm and asked him to call when he could.

I dropped the girls off, called Dr. Beck’s office and they said they could get me in immediately. Rachel and Dr. Beck are in the same complex so I was right back were I started.

Dr. Beck’s nurse took me back immediately. She was so kind. I told her “I know I am only 7 weeks along but there was so much blood I don’t know what the protocol is for something like this so I called.” She said she was glad and that me coming in was not a problem.

Dr. Beck was very kind. He did a quick ultra sound, confirmed I did have a miscarriage and then cleaned out the remains tissue. It felt like scrapping all up in my insides. It was really painful. Tears, and heavy breathing trying to remain calm. I was definitely in shock.

Dr. Beck let me know that miscarriages just happen some times, but it doesn’t mean that there will be any problems next time. He gave a small hug and told me I could stay in the room as long as I need and that I didn’t need to stop by the reception at check out. He then made sure I was okay before leaving.

Marc called me back after I had gotten dressed and I let him know. He was crying. He was super sad for the baby but said he was most concerned for me. He then quickly moved his schedule and took the rest of the day off.

We spent the rest of the day together. Holding our girls tight and each other.

I was so excited for this baby. If it was a boy, he would be the first Johnson boy grandson. I wanted to name him Levi Rex after his daddy. If it was a girl I wanted her middle name to be Rose like Abby and Grandma Rose. There is so much felt with this kind of heartbreak.

We just told our immediate family about it. Stephen and Holly lost their baby boy at 5 months along two years ago. Stephen just had love for us. He told us how a friend had shared with him about the sadness with miscarriage is like the sneaky waves at the ocean, when your back is turned and your having fun and all off a sudden wham! You get hit by a sneaky wave and thrown face down in the sand. He told us, you will feel at peace with the miscarriage but then out of no where, you will be somewhere or someone will say something and you will think of your baby you might have had. And then you get your self up and dry off and you will be okay again soon enough .

Carol was so sweet. She came over that night and came to hug on us all and brought flowers and a card.

I am so grateful for my Marc, and Ruby, and Hazel